Today, someone I’ve known for a little while said to me “You’re just amazing, do you know that?” And my response was “That’s what people tell me? *shrug*” I wanted to ask why exactly she thought and said that…. And I mean that in a completely non-narcissistic way, and actually more of a slightly embarrassed, self-doubting way. People do tell me that, and I honestly don’t get it. I don’t know why they would say that. As I told her, I am just going about my life, handling my business as best I can…
But the thing is, lately, well, for a while now *ahem* blog absence….*cough* I’ve NOT felt like I was “handling my business as best I could”. In fact, I felt like I was letting it slide pretty damn badly. I felt like I was letting my kids down, letting myself down, letting my parents down. The only person who I didn’t seem to be “letting down” was the one person who really doesn’t have any expectations for me. So, there’s that.
But, letting myself down hurts most of all. (TIME OUT- mommy bloggers and helicopter parents would probably be FREAKING OUT right now that I didn’t say letting my kids down was the worst… but sorry, gotta be me first before I can be their mom) I try really hard to be authentic and unapologetic for who I am. But, do you know how hard that is when you are privy to so many lies, deceits, back-stabbings, and judgements?! Ohmygod. It is so hard. I just want people to be honest, to live with pure intentions. Why is that so hard???
I recognize that a lot of the reason is that people start to feel small and buried by their lives. Sometimes they want to feel like they are more so they tear down someone they can easily demean or degrade. It probably won’t be to that person’s face, but behind their backs to other people who are then complicit in that same smallness. I’m guilty of it, I know exactly how it happens. It’s so juvenile and petty. But yet I know grown women, and some men, who do it unabashedly. It’s the hiding and covering and being complicit to that smallness that bothers me the most. So many people write or talk about how they want their kids to stand up for who they are, who their friends are, etc, to be brave and kind and all those wonderful compassionate human qualities. And yet, I know so many ADULTS who do not stand up to the pettiness and nastiness of gossip & cattiness.
When I meet new people, it usually takes all of an hour for me to tell them my deepest darkest secrets, spill the beans on my past, and throw light on the skeletons in my closet. I feel like I’m doing them and myself several favors. 1) If you can’t handle these things about me, I don’t need or want you in my life. Not even a *tiny* bit. If you can’t handle me then you need to save yourself, quickly! 2) If you’re going to judge me, judge me for some real shit not some bullshit. I’ve dealt with and done some harsh things, if you are the type of person to judge, let me give you the strongest ammunition you could have against me… because 3) the worst parts of my life, also turned out to be kind of the best parts. The hardest parts were also the most character building, the darkest days were the most illuminating. Seriously. If you’re too closed off to get that, have a nice life. Really. It’s not cliche, it’s truth. If you DO get that, you are my kind of person and I want to know as soon as possible that you can relate.
I told a friend that I wished people would carry around signs or cards that explained their damage. We all walk around with these “perfect masks” on, like “oh hey, you’re normal. I’m normal. We’re all good.” But really, every single human being is damaged in some way. Some of us are healed and more whole than others, and that’s ok. Some people are raw, seeping, wounded souls barely crawling through life. That’s ok, too. Nobody is perfect. That’s ok! I think it would be so freeing for people to see that they aren’t alone in their brokenness. My friend disagreed. She thought it would be chaotic and crazy and scary and people would freak out over the lack of false security that the masks provide. Maybe so… But I think the masks and the little fibs about how not broken we are, and the cattiness about each other is all just living in fear of who we really are, or fear of who we could be.
It’s scary as hell living an authentic and audaciously loving life. Being open to the universe and what it will bring you is terrifying. There could be pain! There could be loss! There could be failure! Oh my God, there could be aliens! BUT There is also JOY, LOVE, HOPE, COMPASSION, INTIMACY, FRIENDSHIP, SUCCESS, GROWTH… real LIFE, not merely existence. I’m going to keep being terrified and alive and real.
So, is that what makes me awesome? Why can’t everyone be that kind of “awesome”? Where are all the other awesome people? I know a few. More than a few, actually, but I also know way more mask wearing shells walking around, thinking they are living (#yolo! ???), when they are just following the endless coursing stream of life that swallows them up and sweeps them into the void of existence. Could those shells ever be really fucking amaze-balls people? What do you think? What changes someone from being a shell to being a pearl? How are YOU making yourself and your life awesome? WHY are you, or are you not, living in the moment? What holds you back? What inspires you to push forward? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.